Why worry about your job? You don’t get paid enough anyway.

Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 

When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.

If you think nobody cares whether you’ re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize them, you’ re a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you can’t relax you’re probably already too busy doing nothing.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

A friend in need is a pest.

If you tell the truth, you don’ t have to remember anything.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

If you’re going be late, then be late. You may as well make it a good hour and really enjoy your breakfast.

Some people are like slinkies… they’re not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumbling down the stairs.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition can result in a promotion to a job you can’t do.

There are two theories to arguing with women, and neither one works.